it has been a quiet and somber weekend; we decided to euthanize Duke yesterday. He was so old, 18 years, had trouble walking, and we often had to check to make sure he was breathing. He was down to 21 pounds.
I don’t feel much pain, thankfully, and I have no pain at all in my right leg, and for that I am very grateful. My back muscles, around the incision, are VERY tight, so moving around is a challenge. I have to act like I have a back brace on so that I don’t twist at all.
I remember this feeling of muscles being tight and not moving much.
It has taken me over 2 years to get this hand into original working condition, so I have no great expectations of getting my back working in the original condition any time soon.
So surgery was cancelled yesterday – by the Dr. – due to complications during the surgery that was just before mine. So I got to go home looking like some high risk patient had escaped.
Surgery has been rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon, which, being in the afternoon again, I am hoping for no other delays. I am not thrilled about being readmitted and having yet another IV put into my wrist. IV’s and needles are traumatic to me. The nurse asked why when I have tattoos. I said, yes, I understand, that makes no sense, but it’s how I feel. With tattoos the needles do not go into a vein and into your body, and tattoos hurt too, but psychologically, it’s just not the same to me.
It’s all mental, I get it, but it doesn’t mean it’s any less weird or traumatic for me. So I am drinking an ungodly amount of water today so that they don’t have trouble finding my veins tomorrow.
I brought some crocheting with me yesterday and I didn’t even get to do it because I ended up in so much pain that the pain was distracting that I couldn’t hardly focus on anything else. I hate that.
I have been looking at this a lot lately, especially since surgery is Wednesday.
I have a tendency to fantasize and worry about things that may or may not happen, either as a part of anxiety or as a way to prepare myself for what may or may not happen. I realize my fantasizing and worrying is ridiculous, it does no good besides causing me extra anxiety, which is unnecessary. So I am remaining calm and positive and keeping fear far away from me.
It’s not easy, as I’ve been fantasizing and worrying for most of my life, but some habits need to be broken.
So far, so good.
Happy Monday to you, I hope you are warmer than I.
You can see my right pant leg, the pink with the light pattern in it, along with my foot in the purple sock peeking out from under the blanket.
Anna is right by my foot, Toby has wedged himself between my knees with his head up near my left hip, and Lola has squeezed herself on my right side near my elbow.
I just think this cuddle puddle is so cute and funny and actually, quite comfortable. However, I don’t know that we can do this for the first couple weeks after surgery, as much as I would like to. Their warmth and presence helps comfort me and aids in my recovery. I say it helps aid in my recovery because I can feel it, and sense it, but there is scientific research that shows how animals can provide aid to people not just from surgery, but PTSD, autism, elderly in nursing homes, and kids in hospitals. So many health benefits just from petting, hugging, and loving an animal. So easy to do and doesn’t cost much.
Maybe if I had all of the dogs on me during naps after surgery, their good vibes and healing properties will soak into my body and that way I’ll heal faster. I need to get back to stretching. I feel like my muscles have shrunken since I haven’t been able to do any kind of physical activity at all in the last several weeks. I hate it.
But being kind to myself and resting and not overdoing it is vital to my recovery. It’s not like this is a broken leg, this is my spine we’re talking about here. A very delicate, sensitive, and vital part of my anatomy and body function. I don’t want to fuck it up cuz that would suck. So that means lots of rest and doing absolutely nothing. The guys have been forewarned, several times, that I will be doing absolutely nothing for several weeks after my surgery. No laundry, no dishes, the doctor says they don’t even want me vacuuming. HA! It’ll be like I have my own staff to take care of all that stuff for me. I’m looking forward to it.
Of course, I’ll have lots of knitting and crocheting that I can finish. I’ve got a project over a year old that I need to finish. It’s ridiculous it’s taken me this long.
I’ll enjoy watching the birds out the front window for now. They are so cute.
I am glad to get it done, but a little nervous about the whole procedure. It’s one thing if it’s a broken arm or leg, but this is my spine we’re talking about here, a very serious and delicate area.
I gotta be honest, I am looking forward to lots of sleepy time. It’s the perfect time of year for it while it’s cold out. We’re supposed to get a bunch of snow this weekend along with snow on Wednesday. I am hoping this doesn’t impede my going home after surgery, or my mom coming to stay during part of my recovery.
I also have lots of crochet and/or knitting to catch up on. And sleeping. And healing. And puppy napping. And watching the birds in the front window.
Today was an extremely lazy day. Got up late – which means 930a – had breakfast around 10a, then felt like napping around 11a. Which I promptly took advantage of with the puppies. When I go to nap, I have to get the blanket ready in advance of plopping myself down on the couch, and I have to choreograph that in advance, along with the blanket placement, because as soon as I make any subtle move toward the couch, the dogs are already jumping up to join me, so if I’m not careful, I could end up sitting on them. They aren’t terribly willing to move once they have settled on a spot, as you can see. Toby is between my knees, Anna by my feet, and Lola has wedged herself between the couch and my right elbow. Once we are all settled, I don’t move either. They are so comfy and warm and soft. It’s like having another blanket.
I should be working on my Trash2Trends project, but I have been in a constant state of physical pain, to some degree or another. This started about 3 months ago, when I had this muscle pain in my right leg. I went to a physical therapist, but they couldn’t help me, nothing improved. So I was referred to a chiropractor, who has been trying to help me, but nothing has improved and to be honest, it’s gotten worse. I wake up periodically with my right leg, from my hip to the back of my right knee, on fire with this excruciating pain. It would not go away and I had to take extra strength excedrin and an alevePM to get back to sleep, It disrupted my sleep and I don’t like being on drugs. The chiropractor directed me to get an MRI and sure enough, there is a bulging disc that needs correction. The NP I go to gave me some pain meds to get through the day. It takes the edge off, but I am still uncomfortable for most of the day, which is an improvement.
I go see a neurologist on Tuesday for a consult. I am not good with needles, nor do I want to take pain meds for the rest of my life, so at this point, I would rather have surgery than go on as I am. We shall see what the doc says.
On another note, the difference in charges for this surgery by different neurologists is astounding. At least $7500 between each one! This is one of the big problems with health insurance. I can compare the prices, which I like, but getting them all to agree on a decent price is crazy. It makes me nuts.
So I have not been feeling like myself lately, I haven’t been doing a lot of regular housework, laundry, dishes, sweeping; I haven’t been posting here or corresponding with my international friends; I haven’t been spending quality time with my husband or the puppies or kittens (save today). I don’t like being like this, I’m not being my true self and it feels off balance. I don’t like it. I am hoping for a safe and quick correction to this out of balance so that I can get back to my true self again.