At first I was told it was ADD, and that with some counseling and medication that would help to mitigate the confusion, the disagreements the arguments the distractions, the lack of concentration, the mood swings, the violent outbursts and general laissez-faire that seemed to permeate our life.
But he has been off of meds for over 4 years now and I have not seen any improvements or differences or changes. Counseling for 3 years did not help either. It was met with resistance and disdain and a general feeling that I was out to get him and the counselor and I were ganging up on him so instead of working together, it became a tug of war with a person that I loved and wanted only to help.
My help was not well received, nor was it actually ever asked for, so it could be my mistake there.
My reasoning for continuing to help or find ways to make it easier to live together was 1 – my undying optimism, and 2 – there were some improvements and changes. Baby steps if you will. I even asked what I could do to help our relationship, what was it that made me so bothersome and annoying to him all the time. To my surprise, my answer wasn’t constructive criticism but something I would hear in high school – “well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”
I stopped asking a long time ago.
The relationship is easy now that he is helping care for his mom. But this, the way it is now, cannot continue. It should not be this difficult to be in a relationship. Every day living should not be tiring, it’s not always easy, but it should not leave me exhausted every day. It should not leave me so depleted of energy that all I want to do is for him to leave on a motorcycle ride for hours so I can get some peace and quiet and maybe take a long nap on the couch.
With him away, at least I know there will be calm in the house. I won’t have to wonder or worry about what might set off the next drama filled afternoon rant of god-only-knows what. (which wasn’t that important anyway)
The weather has changed as well, I am so very grateful, because now it is not so hot and humid and I can breathe once again and I can sit on my back patio and watch the dogs chase lizards and not swelter and end up covered in mosquitos.
I’m still going to nap today though, you bet your ass I am.