Yesterday was not my best day in yoga.
I felt unbalanced, dizzy, was distracted, and not at all focused.
I ended up spending most of the 90 minutes in child’s pose.
I don’t know why I was crying.
My mind raced with all kinds of reasons why I was crying –
– because I feel overwhelmed by life? I’m not at home with puppies, where I’m happy and comfortable? Because the weather is so unbearably hot and humid I can’t breathe? And now maybe a hurricane?
Because finances are tight and I didn’t make thousands at the Bazaar? Because my MIL is dying and my mom is losing her vision? Because I’m not near family, and living my life’s purpose? Or because my car desperately needs an oil change?
Hey, it could be anything.
My dizziness bothered me as this isn’t the first time I have felt really unbalanced in class. So then my mind wanders again – what if I have a brain tumor that’s pressing on that part of my brain that regulates equilibrium? And it’s inoperable? Now what?!
Fer Christ’s sake, I’ve got too much to live for!
Hence: not at all focused
But the crying, the crying part. I tried to focus on that, because that’s really where the issue lies. Whatever the issue(s) is, I really wanted, and needed, to explore that.
But I couldn’t leave class to cry my eyes out, and I really wanted to participate, but my body wasn’t letting me.
Maybe that’s it – frustration.
Frustration that my body wasn’t letting me. Frustration that I can’t do anything for my MIL, but wait for the inevitable to unfold.
Frustration that I’m not near my family to enjoy their company and to help my mom when needed.
Frustration that I don’t feel like I’m living my life’s purpose, and that I can’t breathe in this weather, and that I’m not a stay at home dog mom.
All kidding aside, that would be an awesome job.
Frustration in yoga class is the worst thing I could do. I’m not open and receptive, and I’m fighting against what is. Fighting against what is doesn’t accomplish a damn thing. Frustration against the past – which can’t be undone – and the future – which I can’t really control – does absolutely nothing but cause me more grief.
So I took a deep breath, and rested in child’s pose. The answers will come.